Note to all: From now on, and henceforth, the financial issue affecting the world will be referred to as the Global Recovery. A large amount of the problem has been the fear installed in people due to the other R-word. So I call for everyone to remind them selves that we are in the grips of a terrible recovery. If everyone used this word maybe there will be the same movement towards the word as when the media were using the R-word. You never know.
I am having excellent fun with the Wolfram Alpha project, As of now, WolframAlpha contains 10+ trillion of pieces of data, 50,000+ types of algorithms and models, and linguistic capabilities for 1000+ domains. It tells you things, important things like that Shtup is a slang term for the F-Word.
I have been asked how we can afford all this shenanigans (I cannot believe word corrected my spelling of this word) we are doing. Supporting a house in London and renting a Flat in an exclusive part of Melbourne. The simple fact is we are both working very hard. Moira obviously works for Oxfam Australia, having been sponsored by them in order to bring us both over here. She is currently raising fund for the organisation to help them continue their great work in developing countries around the world.
Myself, I have had to jump from temporary contract to temporary contract. My initial job was to search for accommodation which is a full time job when viewings are during the week and there are so many people applying for houses to rent. Whilst in England I worked as a Digital Producer, which means I would meet clients, take their business requirements for websites (recruitment websites) then write a scope of work and ultimately project manage the delivery of said website. This would be an easy to migrate career you would think however in Melbourne there appears to be a shortage of web companies, most of the media companies dealing with web brands are based in Sydney not Melbourne. So, although there are jobs available, they are few and far between and when they do com up they are usually quiet well applied for. That said I am in no mood to stop applying for them myself. Until I get this dream job I am on the good nature of Hudson’s employment agency. They are doing quite well so far, keeping me mostly employed whilst I look for something permanent. So far they have found me three roles, two long term-ish and one short spell. What can I say about what I have been doing.
1) Jemena – Project Administrator. I had applied to be on the books of Hudsons but they were having difficulty finding the phone to invite me in for an interview. I had already registered with several agencies but as yet nothing had come good of it. So in desperation I made an Erin Brockovich style plea and phoned them informing them that “If they did not have the admin staff to contact me then they were in luck as I was looking for work. They should contact me as soon as possible to see if I was suitable to work for them.” Believe it or not this actually worked and they phoned back within twenty minutes. Initially they just wanted to see me for an interview, something I had been through several times before. Then a day later I received a call.
Apparently in their entire database of resumes (not CV) there was nobody who had listed in their skill-set the ability to use Microsoft Project. Apart from me that is! So I got my first placement, 1 week before Christmas I was to help build a project schedule for a mass Electricity meter replacement. In actuality the meters in question were to form a network, speaking to each other and central receivers, across Melbourne. The ultimate aim was to record and monitor electricity usage across the city, thus necessitating the retirement of meter readers and huge savings in staffing costs. Due to my excellent skills and the fact that nobody else understood Project the Program Manager decided I should return after Christmas to update the project and assist the team. So back I went and I worked doing an assortment of Project Support work including Status reporting on the project and scheduling, at one point they were talking about taking me on permanently but after three months their contract was cut and they suddenly had no more money to spend on contractors, so I was given a couple of weeks and was out.
2) Just Jeans – Administrator. Oh no I am going down in the world, not even a project administrator anymore. Still I was working in Fashion dahling! Working along side the planning department, doing simple data entry and spreadsheet manipulation. All in an attempt to predict how many blouses Jay Jays were going to sell in the winter lines. I did have the opportunity on my first day in the office to meet a bunch of models who were in the building for a shoot. They were all dogs, really, absolute dogs. Big brown eyes, floppy ears, wet noses and four paws on each and every one of them. It is a little surreal walking into the office and having several small lapdogs running round reception. However working for an advertising agency prepares you for unexpected things in reception.
3) Shared Business Services – Project Officer. This is more like it. Government department, I am filling in for someone who is on secondment with another department. Initially short term there is a possibility this could be extended but I am not holding my breath as I have been told this before and that proved a lie. Officer, I like the sound of that. Actual job is assisting the team to deliver a range of improvements to the HR/ Payroll systems for four government departments. The work is effectively managing development for Oracle Databases used by the Payroll and HR departments. Aside from the obvious technology difference it is very much similar to what I have been currently doing before.
So that’s my career as it stands in Australia. I will keep trying for that dream Producer role but have gone from being very picky to basically applying for anything. After all there is supposed to be a shtupping ‘R-word’ coming!
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Magic??
How’s it going?
Every morning it’s the same thing. I arrive at work and am constantly asked “How’s it going?” How, exactly is WHAT going? This is one of the many formal greetings in OZ that will take the first time visitor by surprise. “How you doing?” is another. The main thing to remember when faced with such in depth personal grilling is that the person who is asking this question in all probability does not CARE! The fact is that over here the standard greetings we use in London, such as “Morning old chap!” and “Good day to you old bean!” have evolved into a standard greeting, much in the same way that the above English greetings gradually are evolving into “Hi”, “alright!” and “Would you mind moving your fat arses down the carriage!” It is this evolution of the language that makes arriving for work seem more friendly as everyone sounds concerned about my health, well being and if the mysterious ‘it’ is still going smoothly. However don’t be complacent, as tempting as it is to actually start telling the persons whom make this remark, just how life is going then you maybe taken for a bit of a weirdo. Like a mad old man on the bus mumbling to himself, the Australians will smile and slowly try and back away as you inform them that life could be better, you hate your flat and the dog has rabies. No the best resolution when faced with such impersonal questioning is just to respond with a positive, everything in my life is dandy thank you, “great!” and maybe follow up with “yours?” before walking away not even listening to the answer.
In the real world, Emma and Duncan have won a flat. Well that’s what it feels like when the estate agent phones to say it’s yours. They are moving into a flat just down the road from us. Across Barkly street off the main road. That is only five minutes walk away from us. If there was a pub in between it would be half an hour away but hey! They were extremely lucky with the flat, we were off viewing places on Saturday and one in particular stood out. Emma applied for the place immediately but as there were approximately 50-60 other people looking round the same place she wisely decided to continue searching.
So we had a cultural weekend, on Friday we went to the Melbourne arts centre to watch “The Magic Flute”. The production was fantastic really. The sets were spectacular and the singing, whilst having it weak moments, was strong from the central cast. There is however one small problem with the whole show. The ending!
Now people may not know the story of the Magic Flute so I will do a quick run through for you:
Bloke wandering in enchanted forest gets attacked, luckily three buxom valkrie type chicks turn up and save him. Then he gets given a quest to save a princess, daughter of queen of forest no less, from a mad bloke who runs a cult. Comedy sidekick steps in to provide laughs at this point; oh he also gets a magic flute, though no real instructions as to what he can use it for. He falls in love with princess and when he finds out she cannot leave the cult, brainwashed presumably but head of cult is not really a bad guy, he decides to join the cult himself. Honourable mention goes to a black dude who gets a real bum rap, he gets whipped and imprisoned mainly because of his colour, he eventually tries to rape said princess. Main bloke has to pass some initiation tests to get into the cult and uses magic powers of flute to protect him and princess, who joins in the test for some unknown reason. They pass the test and are to be accepted into the cult, they are now allowed to be married.
Now the big twist; the black dude has gone to get the Princess’ mother and the three buxom warrior chicks. They enter the cult headquarters armed to the teeth and get ready to kick some operatic ass.
Suddenly the wedding party are all singing about the sun coming out, I am thinking this would be a good point to reign opera asswhup all over the place, and then they bow and bugger off.
Where is all the action, murder, mayhem and carnage, there is none, no they just disappear when the sun comes up. That’s it! At no point did anyone mention that the forest queen and cohorts were all vampires. This is the operatic equivalent to “..and then they woke up, the end” And this is bloody Mozart, no wonder my school teachers wouldn’t let me use that ending, it’s been done before. Now you may think I am being harsh but let’s face it, it’s one of the most famous opera’s in the world. The tickets for this are hugely expensive and all for an ending I could have written at school. Tarantino would not have let this opportunity get loose, people would have body parts missing and the would be crimson rivers across the stage. Just a quick note for Kenneth Brannagh, when you get to this moment in your new shiny film have some kind of special effect to show a horrible end to the queen of the darkness. Make it absolutely certain that her and her vampiric cohorts are doomed. Just for me, please.
On a plus side the Saints beat Collingwood by 88points, the biggest of their year and we are back on top of the league.
Every morning it’s the same thing. I arrive at work and am constantly asked “How’s it going?” How, exactly is WHAT going? This is one of the many formal greetings in OZ that will take the first time visitor by surprise. “How you doing?” is another. The main thing to remember when faced with such in depth personal grilling is that the person who is asking this question in all probability does not CARE! The fact is that over here the standard greetings we use in London, such as “Morning old chap!” and “Good day to you old bean!” have evolved into a standard greeting, much in the same way that the above English greetings gradually are evolving into “Hi”, “alright!” and “Would you mind moving your fat arses down the carriage!” It is this evolution of the language that makes arriving for work seem more friendly as everyone sounds concerned about my health, well being and if the mysterious ‘it’ is still going smoothly. However don’t be complacent, as tempting as it is to actually start telling the persons whom make this remark, just how life is going then you maybe taken for a bit of a weirdo. Like a mad old man on the bus mumbling to himself, the Australians will smile and slowly try and back away as you inform them that life could be better, you hate your flat and the dog has rabies. No the best resolution when faced with such impersonal questioning is just to respond with a positive, everything in my life is dandy thank you, “great!” and maybe follow up with “yours?” before walking away not even listening to the answer.
In the real world, Emma and Duncan have won a flat. Well that’s what it feels like when the estate agent phones to say it’s yours. They are moving into a flat just down the road from us. Across Barkly street off the main road. That is only five minutes walk away from us. If there was a pub in between it would be half an hour away but hey! They were extremely lucky with the flat, we were off viewing places on Saturday and one in particular stood out. Emma applied for the place immediately but as there were approximately 50-60 other people looking round the same place she wisely decided to continue searching.
So we had a cultural weekend, on Friday we went to the Melbourne arts centre to watch “The Magic Flute”. The production was fantastic really. The sets were spectacular and the singing, whilst having it weak moments, was strong from the central cast. There is however one small problem with the whole show. The ending!
Now people may not know the story of the Magic Flute so I will do a quick run through for you:
Bloke wandering in enchanted forest gets attacked, luckily three buxom valkrie type chicks turn up and save him. Then he gets given a quest to save a princess, daughter of queen of forest no less, from a mad bloke who runs a cult. Comedy sidekick steps in to provide laughs at this point; oh he also gets a magic flute, though no real instructions as to what he can use it for. He falls in love with princess and when he finds out she cannot leave the cult, brainwashed presumably but head of cult is not really a bad guy, he decides to join the cult himself. Honourable mention goes to a black dude who gets a real bum rap, he gets whipped and imprisoned mainly because of his colour, he eventually tries to rape said princess. Main bloke has to pass some initiation tests to get into the cult and uses magic powers of flute to protect him and princess, who joins in the test for some unknown reason. They pass the test and are to be accepted into the cult, they are now allowed to be married.
Now the big twist; the black dude has gone to get the Princess’ mother and the three buxom warrior chicks. They enter the cult headquarters armed to the teeth and get ready to kick some operatic ass.
Suddenly the wedding party are all singing about the sun coming out, I am thinking this would be a good point to reign opera asswhup all over the place, and then they bow and bugger off.
Where is all the action, murder, mayhem and carnage, there is none, no they just disappear when the sun comes up. That’s it! At no point did anyone mention that the forest queen and cohorts were all vampires. This is the operatic equivalent to “..and then they woke up, the end” And this is bloody Mozart, no wonder my school teachers wouldn’t let me use that ending, it’s been done before. Now you may think I am being harsh but let’s face it, it’s one of the most famous opera’s in the world. The tickets for this are hugely expensive and all for an ending I could have written at school. Tarantino would not have let this opportunity get loose, people would have body parts missing and the would be crimson rivers across the stage. Just a quick note for Kenneth Brannagh, when you get to this moment in your new shiny film have some kind of special effect to show a horrible end to the queen of the darkness. Make it absolutely certain that her and her vampiric cohorts are doomed. Just for me, please.
On a plus side the Saints beat Collingwood by 88points, the biggest of their year and we are back on top of the league.
Friday, 1 May 2009
Australian?
Australia
Emma is now amongst us in not so sunny Melbourne. She has the unenvious task of finding accommodation for her and Duncan who is due to make the long trip down by road in a few weeks. Actually I want to get up there and make the trip with him. A road trip through several hundred miles of highway and freeway, sounds like a blast. Better watch my speed though as we got caught doing 108 in a 100km zone and the Police have requested a small donation from me.
Anyway if anyone has read my blog form the beginning they will remember the weeks we spent looking for somewhere to stay in Melbourne. The endless trips round to estate agents who really don’t care about the customer, after all they have 30-odd customers for every property. This means they act as though they are doing you a favour just letting you look round the property. It is completely different from England, in England you walk into an agent and they ask you what you want. Then they try and sell you lots of places which are near to your desired abode. Constant streams of options are showered over you and you are asked how many you want to see in the next week. All good really as you get to see what is on the market and make informed decisions.
In Australia you see a property and ask to see it, if it is available they may let you take a key and view it otherwise they will take your name and then forget to phone you to let you know when the viewing is taking place. If it isn’t available then they will tell you so, and that is it. No sales pitch, no other options. From the Estate agents point of view it is your job to find the property you want and theirs just to show it to you and then take your application. It is very hard work hunting for a flat over here and something I do not envy Emma as she is also trying to meet the expectations of Duncan who, not being over with her, does not get a sense of what is and what is not available within their price range.
Anyway, it’s been nearly six months since we arrived and I have to say I am feeling more Australian the more I stay. The biggest Australian-ism I have adopted is the sport. The Aussie Rules season just started and, as a result of being in a workplace where the whole department are ardent fans of various different teams, I have had to choose a team to support. Initially I looked for suggestions but found very quickly that everyone has their own team and they all have excellent reasons as to why their team is the best, usually along the lines of “They are the best!” After realising I could insult someone for not choosing the correct team based on suggestions, and wary that I did not necessarily want to just choose the same team as my boss, the easiest option, I decided that maybe the team that plays in my favourite colour would be a good choice. Unfortunately no teams play in Orange! Scuppered by my first selection plans I now had only one option, choose the team that plays for where I live, St Kilda – The Saints! Right, choice made I am now a Saint fan. Step one is not to find out how they play or if they are a decent team. No, step one is to buy assorted St Kilda branded items to drape around my desk to show the office I have a team to support. Teddy bear in colours, check, scarf, check. Right now to find out what the rules of the game are.
Usually to support a team in a spectator sport it is vital to know the rules of the game, this generally prevents a person for cheering at a completely inappropriate moment in the proceedings. So how do you play Aussie rules?
First find an oval pitch, there are no corners in this sport so no need for a rectangular pitch. Luckily the other Australian sport, Cricket, is also played on a similar shaped pitch and as a result the same arena can be used for both sports. Next set up a goal, this consists of two large sticks placed in the ground to act as a goal like rugby posts, then add an additional two sticks further apart to act as a nearly a goal marker. After all Australians like to reward someone who tries..
So then send 36 men (18 a side) onto the field, four of each team stand inside a box in the centre whilst everyone else can go wherever they like, although the bar is considered out of bounds for players during a match. The ref then bounces the ball as high as he can and steps out of the way, the game is on. Basically the players get the ball however they can and try to place it between the oppositions inside goalposts. They can pass by kicking, tapping and punching the ball to each other but not throwing. If they run with the ball they must bounce the ball at least one every 15 meters, a lot harder than it looks. When the ball is kicked the recipient can claim a free kick, during which they cannot be tackled, or play on. Usually the opposing team will call the free kick if they catch the ball and the same side will play the advantage. As the only time the ball is out of play is during a free kick then the resultant skirmish to get the ball to the oppositions goal is full on. There are rules about where you can tackle but I am not too sure anybody knows them. Scoring between the inner goals gets six points and the outer posts earn a single point.
This game is quite special in that they reward and encourage (a little and only where necessary) home goals. If a player thinks there is a danger of the opposition scoring a six pointer he can play the ball into his own goal to give away a single point instead. Now as someone who was always a defender at school soccer matches, couldn’t run or kick the ball accurately and my tackles only resulted in personal disfigurement 50% of the time, I was renowned for my ability to place the ball into my own goal on every contact with it. I could have been a superstar in Australia.
Four quarters of 20 minutes and any extra time before the game is over. Quite a long match for anyone really but plenty of time to down a few tinnies.
So I chose St Kilda and they have turned out to be quite a lucky choice, winning their first five games of the season y some spectacular margins. In fact against Freemantle the captain of the Saints scored more goals than the whole Freemantle side, final score 111-28. So they are top of the league for a while and I am most pleased with my selection of team. Go the Saints!
Now all I have to do is call Sausages snags, cans tinnies and pronounce Data Darta, don’t think I will ever do the last one.
Emma is now amongst us in not so sunny Melbourne. She has the unenvious task of finding accommodation for her and Duncan who is due to make the long trip down by road in a few weeks. Actually I want to get up there and make the trip with him. A road trip through several hundred miles of highway and freeway, sounds like a blast. Better watch my speed though as we got caught doing 108 in a 100km zone and the Police have requested a small donation from me.
Anyway if anyone has read my blog form the beginning they will remember the weeks we spent looking for somewhere to stay in Melbourne. The endless trips round to estate agents who really don’t care about the customer, after all they have 30-odd customers for every property. This means they act as though they are doing you a favour just letting you look round the property. It is completely different from England, in England you walk into an agent and they ask you what you want. Then they try and sell you lots of places which are near to your desired abode. Constant streams of options are showered over you and you are asked how many you want to see in the next week. All good really as you get to see what is on the market and make informed decisions.
In Australia you see a property and ask to see it, if it is available they may let you take a key and view it otherwise they will take your name and then forget to phone you to let you know when the viewing is taking place. If it isn’t available then they will tell you so, and that is it. No sales pitch, no other options. From the Estate agents point of view it is your job to find the property you want and theirs just to show it to you and then take your application. It is very hard work hunting for a flat over here and something I do not envy Emma as she is also trying to meet the expectations of Duncan who, not being over with her, does not get a sense of what is and what is not available within their price range.
Anyway, it’s been nearly six months since we arrived and I have to say I am feeling more Australian the more I stay. The biggest Australian-ism I have adopted is the sport. The Aussie Rules season just started and, as a result of being in a workplace where the whole department are ardent fans of various different teams, I have had to choose a team to support. Initially I looked for suggestions but found very quickly that everyone has their own team and they all have excellent reasons as to why their team is the best, usually along the lines of “They are the best!” After realising I could insult someone for not choosing the correct team based on suggestions, and wary that I did not necessarily want to just choose the same team as my boss, the easiest option, I decided that maybe the team that plays in my favourite colour would be a good choice. Unfortunately no teams play in Orange! Scuppered by my first selection plans I now had only one option, choose the team that plays for where I live, St Kilda – The Saints! Right, choice made I am now a Saint fan. Step one is not to find out how they play or if they are a decent team. No, step one is to buy assorted St Kilda branded items to drape around my desk to show the office I have a team to support. Teddy bear in colours, check, scarf, check. Right now to find out what the rules of the game are.
Usually to support a team in a spectator sport it is vital to know the rules of the game, this generally prevents a person for cheering at a completely inappropriate moment in the proceedings. So how do you play Aussie rules?
First find an oval pitch, there are no corners in this sport so no need for a rectangular pitch. Luckily the other Australian sport, Cricket, is also played on a similar shaped pitch and as a result the same arena can be used for both sports. Next set up a goal, this consists of two large sticks placed in the ground to act as a goal like rugby posts, then add an additional two sticks further apart to act as a nearly a goal marker. After all Australians like to reward someone who tries..
So then send 36 men (18 a side) onto the field, four of each team stand inside a box in the centre whilst everyone else can go wherever they like, although the bar is considered out of bounds for players during a match. The ref then bounces the ball as high as he can and steps out of the way, the game is on. Basically the players get the ball however they can and try to place it between the oppositions inside goalposts. They can pass by kicking, tapping and punching the ball to each other but not throwing. If they run with the ball they must bounce the ball at least one every 15 meters, a lot harder than it looks. When the ball is kicked the recipient can claim a free kick, during which they cannot be tackled, or play on. Usually the opposing team will call the free kick if they catch the ball and the same side will play the advantage. As the only time the ball is out of play is during a free kick then the resultant skirmish to get the ball to the oppositions goal is full on. There are rules about where you can tackle but I am not too sure anybody knows them. Scoring between the inner goals gets six points and the outer posts earn a single point.
This game is quite special in that they reward and encourage (a little and only where necessary) home goals. If a player thinks there is a danger of the opposition scoring a six pointer he can play the ball into his own goal to give away a single point instead. Now as someone who was always a defender at school soccer matches, couldn’t run or kick the ball accurately and my tackles only resulted in personal disfigurement 50% of the time, I was renowned for my ability to place the ball into my own goal on every contact with it. I could have been a superstar in Australia.
Four quarters of 20 minutes and any extra time before the game is over. Quite a long match for anyone really but plenty of time to down a few tinnies.
So I chose St Kilda and they have turned out to be quite a lucky choice, winning their first five games of the season y some spectacular margins. In fact against Freemantle the captain of the Saints scored more goals than the whole Freemantle side, final score 111-28. So they are top of the league for a while and I am most pleased with my selection of team. Go the Saints!
Now all I have to do is call Sausages snags, cans tinnies and pronounce Data Darta, don’t think I will ever do the last one.
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